The process of renovation is incredibly messy and labor intensive. If someone were to walk inside a home being renovated while it’s in the demolition phase, it wouldn’t look very promising. The walls, the counters, and even the floors might all be destroyed. While going through divorce might feel a lot like going through a demolition phase, in a similar way – demolition isn’t the end. It’s actually a new beginning.
Before you can be restored, some things will have to be torn down first, replaced, and repaired. But once the old has been removed, a new home can be built – from the inside out. If you’ve ever watched HGTV, then you know that with some concerted effort and TLC, a renovated home will be brighter and more stunning than before. My friend, that’s what God wants to do for you. Bearing the beginning of divorce may be brutal, but how you choose to view the process will make all the difference in how you rebuild. That’s what I’m excited to share with you here.
It’s been two years since my divorce was finalized and four since the split. After that 10-year marriage ended, it took me some time to find my joy again and figure out how to embrace the life God intended for me to live. I’m still learning how to embrace it everyday, but I have more joy, greater peace, and a deeper connection to God than I ever have. Not because a valley made me seek God, but because a valley didn’t keep Him from seeking me. Can I encourage you as you enter this new season? Let’s look at several steps you can begin taking today.
6 Ways to Take Your Power Back After Divorce
1. Evaluate the narrative you’re telling yourself about what has happened.
Perhaps it didn’t happen to you, but for you. In the midst of a hurtful situation, it can be hard to see the benefit of God’s larger plan. Take time to seek God for his perspective. We cannot fully understand all that happens in our lives as it is happening. Pray and ask God to show you what He sees. Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God.” All things means all things, including this divorce. So ask God to help you see how your situation could possibly work out for your good, and then begin looking for the good every day – from the big victories to the small wins.
2. Mother yourself.
Yes, that’s a complete statement. To mother yourself means to nurture, protect, and care for yourself with the same compassion, patience, and love that a nurturing mother provides for her child. Instead of waiting on others to show up for you or hoping that what you need will miraculously appear, mother yourself. In other words, give yourself what you need. If you’re unsure of what you need, that’s exactly where you can start. Ask yourself questions in the same manner you’d ask a child, even getting down to the basics like, “Are you hungry? Are you sleepy? Do you need to move around (go for a walk or switch up your scenery)? Do you need to pray and sit some emotional burdens at God’s feet? You’ll be delighted when you realize that much of what will boost your mood is fully within your power to access.
3. Lean into community, not away from it, even if you have to do it in spurts.
I know all too well how to isolate when life gets hard. Because I didn’t want people to see me struggling or because I didn’t have the strength to show up for others the way I felt I should, isolation felt safe. Until it didn’t. Until I was drowning in my sorrow with no one in sight to throw me a life vest. When you’re feeling defeated mentally, emotionally or spiritually, sometimes the only way out is with help.
That’s the blessing of community. Sure, it will require you to let some people in, allow them to see you at your lows, and trust them with vulnerable parts of yourself, but the value of having someone to love, care for, and pray with you can make the difference between staying broken and getting the healing you truly want.
4. Be expressive every day.
Don’t fall into the misconception that now isn’t a good time for creativity or that sulking is all you can muster the energy to do. Explore creative efforts like writing, singing, crafting, or painting. Give those crazy emotions a healthy outlet. Don’t bottle up all that’s happening inside of you. It’s okay for your emotions to be raw; they often yield raw beauty when expressed with intentionality. Don’t fall into a self-improvement hole either, succombing to the idea that you have to be or appear perfect. Expressing how you feel in creative ways doesn’t have to result in anything useful, beyond a therapeutic good time. You might just discover a new hobby or talent.
I still can’t believe that I launched a video podcast for the first time during the height of my divorce. Is it perfect, polished or wildly successful? Absolutely not. Yet, still I look back at those videos in shock. I see the result of what happens when we allow our pain to push us towards purpose. Sometimes that purpose is solely to strengthen or empower ourselves (what the vodcast was for me). Other times, that purpose is more far-reaching and impactful to others. Either way, our pain has purpose. Pain can become the building blocks of beautiful creations, if we allow them. If this scares you a little, remember that what you make doesn’t have to be publicized. It can be just for you. Get some acrylic paints and a couple blank canvases and see what happens. If you enjoy it, well, that’s the whole point.
5. Never compare your process to someone else’s.
Okay, this is easier said than done, but you must try. Everyone’s circumstance is completely different, and how they process and navigate those circumstances will vary. For example, I had two friends navigate divorce around the same time that I did, and we each moved through it differently, at individual paces. At one point, I jumped into dating because that’s what someone else was doing. But I quickly realized I wasn’t ready. If I wanted an authentic healing journey, I had to be okay with my story not looking like someone else’s.
6. Don’t let divorce define you.
You’re not a divorce’ or a single mom (titles that felt like culture-shock to me). You’re you. And that’s the best title you can have. Being thrown into a new world, I initially felt the need to claim a new identity. I was no longer married, I was divorced. I was no longer a wife, I was a single woman. I was no longer a mom, I was a single mom. Right? Absolutely wrong. That’s the fastest way to unnecessary sadness. While there may be useful resources for the various hats we wear, our identity does not fit into any one label.
This is where you have to remind yourself of who you are in God. Throughout our lives, we can place all sorts of titles on ourselves based on our situations. Think about Naomi in the Bible, who changed her name to Mara after her husband and children died (Ruth 1:20-21). Naomi means pleasant, while Mara means bitter. Because her situation was painful at the moment, Naomi assumed God’s disposition towards her had changed and that despair was now her identity. Boy was she wrong.
In God’s larger plan for Naomi’s life, her daughter-in-law Ruth would not only stay by her side and care for her after she’d lost everything, but Ruth would marry Naomi’s wealthy relative, providing a much better lifestyle for Naomi. God had plans for Naomi that extended far beyond the title of being a widow. Don’t allow your current situation to place limits on how you see yourself. Remember what God has said about you and know that your story is still being written.
As I close this article, I want to leave you with this scripture to study and recite when you feel the weight of your situation:
1 Peter 2:9 – But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.
Friend, don’t let divorce define you. Stay encouraged through the messy middle and know that your best is yet to come!
Not All Relationships End
I hope you were encouraged by this post. There’s a lot we can do to better navigate through rough patches of life like divorce. Before I go though, I want to make sure I share what I believe is the best thing you can do. That’s entering into a relationship that will never end… one with Jesus Christ. He is the best gift you can give yourself today.
Through him, his love for you, and the sacrifice of his life for your sins, you can have a life you never would’ve imagined. God loves you so much that even when humanity fell into sin, he already had a plan to restore his relationship with you.
God gave his only son – who died on a cross, was buried, and rose from the dead – so that you could have eternal life. And not eternal life that starts when this life ends, but one that starts the moment you believe.
The kind of life God wants for you is abundant, filled with love, joy, peace, prosperity and purpose. Will it be perfect and you never experience hardship again? No. Unfortunately, suffering is a part of humanity, and God never promised that you wouldn’t suffer sometimes.
What God does promise you is that:
- You’ll never have to suffer alone (Matthew 28:20).
- You’ll have supernatural help and grace when you suffer (Hebrews 4:16).
- And your suffering will never be in vain (Romans 8:18).
If you’re going to have to endure hardship anyway, why not do it with the only one who has defeated every hardship known to man (Hebrews 4:15)… including death itself (Revelation 1:18)? After all, no one else in this universe can promise to never leave you or forsake you and actually live up to it (Hebrews 13:5).
Ready to take the next step?
Say these statements aloud:
- I repent of my sins and ask you God to forgive me.
- I believe that God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life (John 3:16).
- God, I receive you as my Lord and savior and I accept your gift of eternal life.
If you said each of those statements with sincerity, then friend, you now have eternal life. It begins TODAY and you can consider yourself saved. Write down today’s date because it’s your spiritual birthday… Because if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old things have passed away; behold, the new has come into being (2 Corinthians 5:17).
All of heaven and its angels are rejoicing (Luke 15:10)… and so am I!
Welcome to the family!
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