Divorce is hard enough. Add the holiday season and suddenly the grief of divorce can feel debilitating. If this is your story this year, I’m terribly sorry. The pain of divorce is one that cannot be properly articulated nor is there enough empathy to fill the holes it produces in one’s heart. I commend you for seeking solace right now and I dare not offer you fluff. My prayer is that this post points you in the direction of the unfailing comfort and hope that sustained me during my own divorce a few years ago.

That said, how does one navigate the unstable emotions of being in such a difficult transition while trying to be present for those around them? Whether you have children or not, close family members or not, a community or not, there’s always someone to show up for – even if that person is you.

And yet the loneliness that is easier to mask when you can get outside under the sun, escape to a festival or concert, or simply get lost on a walk or in your garden, seems inescapable during the holiday season. Loneliness is no longer hiding out in moments of solitude or random songs on the radio. It’s now blaring blatantly fromTV ads with festive families in matching PJs, from love-centered Christmas songs on department store intercoms, and from your own boxes of holiday decor filled with memories of what once was. There’s no other way to put it, this season is hard.

Thankfully, with all that the holidays bring for a person battling divorce and loneliness, there is still hope. There is still something stable you can cling to for comfort. I’m not telling you something theoretical that sounds good. After divorcing my ex-spouse of 10 years, I’m telling you what I know, what I’ve discovered personally, and what hasn’t let me down yet. Let’s get into it!

The Initial Impact of Divorce

Parting with a spouse is going to result in grief and loneliness, whether the divorce was their idea, your idea, or an amicable decision. Reconciling with the fact that the lifetime you signed up for is no longer going to be a reality can come with feelings of loss, shame, resentment, anger, and a myriad of other feelings. So don’t assume that you can get away from how you feel.

Emotions are like waves. They rush up on us, sometimes unexpectedly, and we can either fight them or ride their wave. Have you ever been on a beach as a wave was coming in? There was absolutely nothing you could do about the wave approaching, but you could decide how to respond to it. Flowing with a wave instead of against it yields a much better experience.

That’s what this first piece of encouragement is about – recognizing that your emotions are inevitable after an event as traumatic as a divorce. If this is the early stage for you, bearing the beginning will feel brutal at times. If you’ve made it through the initial impact, you may feel more stable in your emotions and ready to find your joy again. Despite where you are on the divorce journey, how you feel is how you feel. And those feelings are worthy of recognition.

Lingering Loneliness After Divorce

One of the most palpable feelings I faced from the very beginning of divorce was loneliness. I wanted to believe it was due to the obvious split of my family. Certainly, my feelings were heightened given the circumstances, but they lingered long after I’d made peace with being single again. It wasn’t until then that I realized that the loneliness plaguing me was one I’d battled with and tried to suppress since childhood, well before getting married.

Discovering the depths of my loneliness made me wonder how many other people are battling with loneliness cascading as circumstantial, but it is actually the root of a deeper issue? Perhaps this is why loneliness never leaves and is possibly the reason we’ve found ourselves married to begin with. Mind you, that revelation may be more pertinent to my personal story, but I share it in case you’re having a similar experience.

If loneliness is something you can say you’ve honestly always suffered with, the holiday season isn’t the totality of your issue. If you’re certain that your loneliness is truly only connected to your new family dynamic, there’s still encouragement for you below. It doesn’t matter if the loneliness you feel is new or old, overcoming it requires us to take the same steps, so I urge you to read further.

God had to reveal to me a new perspective about my loneliness and it was challenging, almost insulting at first. He said, “You aren’t lonely; you’re longing for Me.” Before I could revolt in offence, God began showing me how loneliness was a surface issue that the enemy was using to deceive me into staying stuck. Because I didn’t know it was deception, I was constantly trying to satisfy a longing within me (perceived as loneliness) with everything but God (alcohol, relationships, staying busy, etc.). This never-ending cycle only increased my feelings of defeat, thus making me feel lonelier. Like, why do I always feel like something is missing? I’m surrounded by loved ones, including a spouse, and my life has all the signs of fulfillment, yet I still feel alone, incomplete.

Freedom from Feeling Alone

If you can be honest about your experience and reflect back to the moment you first felt loneliness (as a child or upon getting divorced), you may find that the enemy presented you with the lie that you’re alone. In your vulnerability and brokenness, you believed him. And that’s okay. Many of us have. Thankfully, God revealed something to me that brought a freedom from loneliness that has led me into perpetual comfort. He reminded me of His promise in Deuteronomy 31:8 to never leave us nor forsake us.

God has always been with us. He’s always been with you. He’s with you now. Therefore, you’re not alone. If you feel alone, your perspective may be distorted. Ask God to show you all the ways that He was with you, well before you got married or divorced.

Ask Him to show you:

• How He provided for you
• How he protected you
• How He forgave you time and time again
• How He blessed you when you didn’t deserve it
• How He gave you the mind to achieve goals no one in your family may have
• How He loved on you in the quiet moments when no one was around
• And if you still struggle to see Him, ask Him to reveal His presence with you now.

Sitting in the space of inviting God’s perspective of my own life opened my eyes to a new truth. I have never been alone nor will I ever be. When I surrendered what I believed to be true about my childhood, my past, and even my marriage, my ability to grasp onto the love and companionship God was always offering me became possible.

Days felt more pleasant. Nights got easier. Even when I found myself in tears that wouldn’t relent, I could feel God sitting with me. No words escaped my mouth and no prayers or praise flowed from me. In fact, some nights I’d just cry myself to sleep, rehearsing the scripture in my mind, “God will never leave me. God will never leave me.” And every time I woke up, I was somehow refreshed. Not in the way you’re refreshed after a good night’s rest, but refreshed in my heart. Hopeful again. God sat with me, receiving the prayers from my tears, and He restored my soul.

Promises to Ponder When You Feel Lonely

If I can leave you with anything this holiday season, know that God is with you. The One filled with everything you need, even the needs you can’t articulate, is eager to love on you. Set your focus on His promises, like those listed below, and determine to defeat loneliness this holiday.

• God is always with you (Deuteronomy 31:8).
  The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
  
• God cares about your broken heart (Psalm 34:18).
  The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
  
• God responds to your tears (Psalm 126:5).
  Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.
  
• God’s love for you is inescapable. (Romans 8:35-36).
  Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

At the risk of sounding cliché, friend, everything is going to be okay. Divorce is not the end. In many ways, it’s a new beginning. Despite how rough life has been for you up until this moment, it can get significantly better, especially when you invite the only love into your life that will never leave you. He never disappoints, be it during divorce, loneliness, the holidays, or all of the above.

Want to learn more about overcoming loneliness?

Check out my upcoming book release, It Was Always You: Lessons from a Love Story that Defeated Loneliness, a practical guide for the heart that wonders if God still sees them.

Thank you for reading!