Divorce is devastating. There’s no way around it. When I found myself faced with it four years ago, I felt the weight of the world on me. It was so hard that even the smallest of tasks felt draining. Day felt like night and night felt like forever. Tears refused to stop flowing and thoughts of the future felt crushing. Thinking about tomorrow was enough to keep me in bed all day.
Yet, I had two young boys depending on me, a full time career, and a home to care for – to say the least. How was I going to make it? If you’re facing divorce and feeling anything like this, it’s no coincidence that you found this post. Keep reading because I have good news for you: things get better!
It’s been 4 years since the split and 2 years since it was final, and I feel more whole today than I did before marriage. For me, going through divorce after a 10-year marriage has meant gaining a version of myself that I never thought could exist. The version of me who lacks nothing, who has joy that penetrates deep and radiates far, who lives perpetually in peace because safety and provision are guaranteed in Christ. The version of me who starts each day with hope and ends each night with satisfaction. I love it here!
It may have taken some long nights, endless tears, and scary soul searching to get here, but I’m here. And I want nothing more than for you to get here too. That’s why I’m commemorating this journey with a gift to any woman currently facing divorce: encouragement.
It doesn’t matter if you began this journey by choice or by default, or whether it began yesterday or years ago… you are not without a bright future and the hope it takes to get there. The points I’m about to give would all be moot without acknowledgement of the true source of their power: Jesus Christ. He is my Lord, Savior, and everything in between. And I highly recommend Him.
So as you read this post, keep in mind that every suggestion is shared through the lens of having a relationship with the only God who can make us perfectly whole. Okay, now that we’ve established that, let me encourage you Sis!
6 Keys to Bearing the Brutal Beginning of Divorce
1. Breathe.
A transition this massive is sure to be a blow to the system. Don’t try to talk yourself out of your feelings. Feel them, taking as many deep breaths as you need. The inner work will be there regardless. Do what it takes to regulate your nervous system and focus on next steps, well, next.
2. Remind yourself that it’s okay.
Things don’t have to look okay to be okay. You may be falling apart, numb, livid, broken, all of the above, and guess what… It’s still okay. What your next chapter looks like has nothing to do with what life looks like right now. God can take your shattered pieces and create a masterpiece. As often as you need to, remind yourself that everything will be okay.
3. Trust that you don’t need a game-plan.
Being unsure is normal in divorce, expected even. Try not to overwhelm yourself with trying to figure out every detail of your new future. Sit with today. How are you feeling today? What do you need today? How can you show up for yourself or your children today?
As you care for you and your children’s needs, you will gain the strength you need to consider the future. And that future doesn’t need an elaborate, well-thought-out plan. Knowing where you’ll live can be your plan. As you take a step, clarity for which step to take next will come. Go easy on yourself – you’re handling a lot.
4. Make less meaning of things – or none at all.
As a deep thinker, recovering overthinker, and wildly spiritual person, it is often hard for me to not seek meaning of even the smallest things. But let me tell you something, in those first stages of my divorce, I had to drop that habit and fast. Otherwise, I would have “thought” myself into a daily depression, and did at times. In hindsight, it wasn’t worth it.
None of what I’d imagined (and that’s just what it is – imagination) was accurate. As you navigate the grief and transition and even the exciting parts of this journey, don’t go out of your way to try to understand every little thing. You will gain understanding as time passes, no need stressing yourself out prematurely.
5. Grieve on your own terms.
There is no cookie-cutter, linear, this-is-how-it-goes way to grieve your divorce. Key word: your. Only you know the beginning, middle, and end of that story, and only you can make your way towards closure of that chapter. While there’s a ton of great resources and advice out there, none of it (including this) will cater fully to the specifics of your needs.
This is why growing closer to God in this season will be the most important thing you can do. There will be moves you need to make, perspectives you need to drop, and situations you need to surrender that only God can reveal to you. When you’ve seen things your way for so long, it’s hard to see them differently without God’s help. As you do that, you will need to take time to reflect, process and heal.
6. Release the old (or accept the new) at a pace that works for you.
Gradual progress is progress, and actually more sustainable. Jumping into a completely new way of living is jarring. Don’t force unnecessary change on yourself trying to speed up the healing process. This may be hard to hear, but you can’t speed up healing. I remember asking my best friend at the beginning of my divorce how long she thought it would take me to heal? At the time, I wanted to hear something to soothe my pain. It took me some time to realize that no one can know that, not even me!
I tried redecorating, moving, buying new clothes, buying a new car, trying new hobbies all at once in an attempt to adjust & heal quickly. But healing has everything to do with the heart and nothing to do with the physical. In fact, throwing myself into a completely new environment made me feel at times like I was a foreigner in my own life. Whose home is this? Whose stuff is this? I was already facing grief and brokenness and suddenly nothing was the same. It caused me to battle with bouts of depression that could have been milder had I not forced myself to move quickly.
As you journey through this difficult transition… remember that it’s your journey. Take the time you need. Go at the pace you need. Leverage the resources you need. And more than anything, lean on your faith and God more than ever. You have to believe that every day holds a better, brighter future for you, even if nothing within your day seems to go right. It can and will work out for your good if you simply choose to believe.
The Good News: Not All Relationships End
I hope you were encouraged by this post. There’s a lot we can do to better navigate through rough patches of life like divorce. Before I go though, I want to make sure you know what the best thing you can do is. That’s entering into a relationship that will never end… one with Jesus Christ. He is the best gift you can give yourself today.
Through him, his love for you, and the sacrifice of his life for your sins, you can have a life you never would’ve imagined. God loves you so much that even when humanity fell into sin, he already had a plan to restore his relationship with you.
God gave his only son – who died on a cross, was buried, and rose from the dead – so that you could have eternal life. And not eternal life that starts when this life ends, but one that starts the moment you believe.
The kind of life God wants for you is an abundant life, filled with love, joy, peace, prosperity and purpose. Will it be perfect and you never experience hardship again? No. Unfortunately, suffering is a part of humanity, and God never promised that you wouldn’t suffer sometimes.
What God does promise you is that:
- You’ll never have to suffer alone (Matthew 28:20).
- You’ll have supernatural help and grace when you suffer (Hebrews 4:16).
- And your suffering will never be in vain (Romans 8:18).
If you’re going to have to endure hardship anyway, why not do it with the only one who has defeated every hardship known to man (Hebrews 4:15)… including death itself (Revelation 1:18)? After all, no one else in this universe can promise to never leave you or forsake you and actually live up to it (Hebrews 13:5).
Ready to take the next step?
Say these statements aloud:
- I repent of my sins and ask you God to forgive me.
- I believe that God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life (John 3:16).
- I believe that Jesus Christ lived, died on a cross, was buried, and rose again with all power in his hands.
- God, I believe you are both my Lord and savior and I accept your gift of eternal life.
If you said each of those statements with sincerity, then friend, you now have eternal life. It begins TODAY and you can consider yourself saved. Write down today’s date because it’s your spiritual birthday… Because if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old things have passed away; behold, the new has come into being (2 Corinthians 5:17).
All of heaven and its angels are rejoicing (Luke 15:10)… and so am I!
Welcome to the family!
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