Why does the word boundary feel more negative than positive? While the concept is growing more popular these days, it’s still hard for many people to feel comfortable both creating and respecting boundaries – myself included.

Without boundaries at work and church, in school and traffic, or simply in public, we would live in chaos. Complying to simple rules is what keeps us safe, allows us all to coexist peacefully, and actually enjoy shared spaces.

We are expected to adhere to the rules of the road, our schedules at school and work, and more recently the social distancing policies at stores, to name a few. All of these guidelines are boundaries. And these boundaries are norms.

When we stray from them, it could cost us our money, jobs, and even our freedom.

That said, why is it that the moment a person attempts to create boundaries in their personal life, it’s frowned upon?

Allowing a person full access to your time, space and mental health can cost you big in the long run.

As complex humans who have multifaceted lives and countless relationships to maintain, no one should expect to have you (and your time) at their complete and utter disposal.

Let’s unpack this by looking at five boundaries we all should have.

1. Allowing Yourself to Say No

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with helping others, especially in a relationship, but constantly taking on tasks or responsibilities to keep peace or to please someone will lead to burnout.

We all should compromise at times (heck, marriage can sometimes feel like nothing but compromise). But you shouldn’t feel obligated to always do anything.

If you feel bad about saying no, you can:

1. Postpone it. Offer to help at a later date/time when you’re more up for it.
2. Recommend someone else. You could direct a person to someone more capable of helping, or who is available at the moment.
3. Lead them to water. Challenge the person to do their own research (say “Google/Pinterest usually helps me with things like that”). If they choose not to drink, that’s on them.

2. Allowing Yourself Ample Rest – And I’m Not Talking Sleep

While we all need a good night’s rest, sleep is not what I’m referring to here. In this sense, rest represents not wearing any hats (roles). Everyone needs time to be nothing to no one, to just spend time exactly how they’d like to. This is especially important for people who have several roles within the home on a daily basis, like a parent/guardian, caregiver, spouse, or significant other.

It can be easy to lose who you are as an individual in the personas of who you are to others. To prevent that, we should all make time to do the things that make us happy (even if it’s one thing within a day). Strive to spend 30 minutes to an hour everyday doing only what brings you joy.

That small amount of time will rejuvenate you and make the other 23 hours of your day much more fulfilling and peaceful. Simply because in the midst of caring for everyone else, you made time to care for yourself as well.

Yes, I may be a mom and wife, but that’s not all that I am. Since my teen years, I have been a silly, creative, highly spiritual person (ok, diehard Christian) who loves to write and cook. I should strive to maintain those passions within my relationships or risk losing myself.

Also, as you strive to “be” the person you want to be, boundaries can support that effort by allowing you to address the behaviors you aren’t as proud of.

For example, if you realize you’re always on edge and now yell all the time, taking time for yourself can help you evaluate what’s changed.

If you simply need 15 minutes away from everyone in order to re-center yourself, take it.

Once you’ve reflected, you can then look for ways to address and/or avoid situations that cause you to get to the point of yelling.

3. Taking Pause When You Need To

You receive a text, call, visitor, DM or FaceTime call at a time that is inconvenient for you, perhaps because you are emotionally unavailable. What do you do?

Instead of waiting to talk with the person until you’re in a better space emotionally, or letting them know that now is not the best time, you force yourself to address it immediately.

This scenario typically doesn’t end well.

Doing this causes us to feel blindsided, overwhelmed, or even withdrawn from a matter we might otherwise want to help with. But, because we begrudgingly made ourselves available, we now feel regret or remorse about how we handled it.

A great way to avoid situations like these is to give yourself the time you need. And then follow up when you’re ready.

4. Not Allowing Others to Treat You Or Speak to You in Ways You’re Uncomfortable With

If someone does or says something that bothers you, don’t be afraid to inform them. People aren’t mind readers, and will ultimately do what… not only you allow them to do, but what they’ve always done anyway.

It could be that no one has ever challenged them to try communicating or acting in a different way.

By being straightforward with how you prefer to communicate, you first make the other person aware of your expectations, and then give them the opportunity to decide if they want to communicate differently.

Once they respond, ask yourself if their method of communicating is one you’re comfortable tolerating long term or is it a deal breaker?

5. Holding Yourself to Your Own Boundaries

This one may come as a shock because I don’t hear it often, but allowing yourself to be exempt from boundaries only harms you in the long run.

People learn more about us by our actions than our words. We can say what our boundaries are all day long, but if we always bend under pressure, people will adapt to that. And your boundaries won’t be boundaries at all.

In order for society to uphold laws, policies, rules, they have to enforce them. And enforcement is typically made through penalties.

What’s the penalty someone has to pay for overstepping your boundary?

Is it not hearing from you as often, not seeing you as often, not having access to your social accounts, or simply not having your response or engagement when they attempt to draw you in? Only you can decide what those penalties are.

As you enforce the boundaries that are important to you, you’ll find that not only will others take you more seriously, but you’ll take yourself more seriously. Over time, you’ll have more self-respect and self-love as you gain more control over your actions and emotions.

Because if you notice, with all of the boundaries listed above, the onus is on you to see them through. Our boundaries aren’t upheld by what other people do, but how we respond to others’ actions. The full responsibility of your boundaries falls on you.

We hear boundaries and think “what others cannot do” but really it’s “what I can do.” That’s where the true power lies.

Boundaries give you power to create environments and relationship dynamics that serve as safe spaces for you. No, you can’t control others and/or everything that happens to you. But you can absolutely control your response and attitude towards the unexpected.

Take the First Step: Communicate Your Boundaries

As you begin to reflect and consider your boundaries, because you absolutely should have some, I want to encourage you to do one more thing. Once you know your personal boundaries, communicate them to those you’d like to respect them.

If it’s someone you’re in a close, ongoing relationship with (like a significant other or roommate), it might be best to have a conversation sooner than later… simply because you interact with that person regularly.

For others who you might only interact with occasionally, like family, it might be better received if you discuss your desires at a time when they have overstepped or are attempting to overstep your boundary. If you are never straightforward about what you expect, you can’t… well, expect.

As more of us make this a habit, perhaps the concept of boundaries won’t remain so taboo.

What are some boundaries you’ve created and how do you enforce them? Share in the comments below.

One of mine is not responding immediately to texts that cause me to feel emotionally riled. It gives me time to digest what was said and assess my feelings before I respond (perhaps unfavorably). If the person can’t respect my timing, it’s their problem. Not mine.