I hated the feeling of not feeling. The more chaotic my life got, the less I was moved by the chaos. Or so I thought. When I reached a breaking point in my 10-year marriage, months after uprooting my family to be closer to my dad who was battling aggressive dementia (RIH Dad), I sought therapy to figure out why I felt so broken.

In the first session, my therapist asked what I wanted most from my journey back to myself. I said, ‘to feel present.’ Through therapy, I found language for how I’d chosen to cope over the years: numbing out. I’d become temporarily disconnected from my feelings and experiences and it was my normal for so long that I was now emotionally detached, which is when a person is not able to fully engage with their feelings or the feelings of others.

What Emotional Detachment Looked Like for Me

No matter how hard I tried or wanted to reconnect with my feelings – like when my kids were excited about something or in need of empathy – I struggled to truly surface those emotions. I could go through the motions, but internally I felt disconnected. And when I tried to allow my emotions to surface, they would bombard me, making me retreat yet again.

As a means of survival, I learned how to operate on autopilot, how to stay busy or redirect my energy to random goals. And in my worst moments, emotional detachment looked like projecting my feelings onto others, over-consumption of television, alcohol or food, and becoming hyper-focused on ancillary issues like my weight or wardrobe. I was tackling everything outside of myself, but those were only temporary fixes. I had a much deeper issue with myself that I needed to face head on, and it wasn’t until I felt like my world fell apart that I made myself a priority.

So what did I do? I’m glad you asked!

Unlearning Emotional Detachment through Therapy

As I’ve mentioned, I started by seeking professional help. That looked like group therapy focused on self-worth with a therapist and 9 other women, as well as individual therapy with a completely different therapist. I didn’t realize it at the time, but having this level of support during such a low point in my journey was great for my healing journey. What I learned in group therapy, I could process in individual therapy, and vice versa.

Through journaling about my past, present and future self, I learned how to confront myself. And not just my feelings, but everything – my childhood, my parents, my inner circle, my accomplishments, my perceived failures, my disappointments, my future, and all the ways in which I’d abandoned myself over the years. I had to not only face what had happened to me (what was out of my control), but I had to take responsibility for what I’d done or allowed throughout my journey (what was in my control). I had to have a candid conversation with the little girl within me who was let down, and commit to showing up for her now. Once I made room for complete honesty and empathy for myself, I had the freedom and peace I needed to move more confidently towards healing.

Healing from Emotional Detachment

Healing looked like sitting with and checking in with myself to understand the various moods I found myself in (and to understand my triggers), as well as mothering myself – giving myself the care and attention I needed in every moment. I learned that everything I looked to others for, I am fully capable of giving myself (me and God of course).

Finally, I learned the value in being honest with others about how I was doing and what I needed from them. This gives those who love me a chance to show up for me and helps them actually know how to do so. In turn, this extends my support system beyond myself and God. You may have noticed that I’ve mentioned God a few times now. That’s because as great as these practical steps are for my continued healing, they are nothing without my relationship with Christ. In my darkest, lowest, hardest times, and even in my most joyous moments, God was there! And I know that no matter what comes, he will be there too. That knowledge is more comforting than any of these resources could ever be. But I know that when I leverage both, healing is not just a given, but it’s only the beginning. :)

Enjoyed this article? I share more on this topic on my podcast >> Perfectly Whole.

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Perfectly Whole Podcast inspires and encourages women of faith. The focus is never on what we lack, but on what we have – which is infinite love and provision in God. The goal of every episode is to reassure and remind women of all kinds that God has made us perfectly whole! ~Matthew 14:36~